BREAKING OUT OF YOUR 'DISCOMFORT ZONE'

The foundation on which all self-development is built upon is challenge – that is, our capacity to successfully challenge ourselves and push out the boundaries of our comfort zones.

Even though there may be the urge to create something different in our lives, the familiarity of our present existence - no matter how unhappy we are in our malaise – can sometimes make the challenge seem insurmountable. This is what should more accurately be called our discomfort zone: it leaves us unhappy and unfulfilled but the energy required to overcome the inertia can sometimes be hard to come by.

The discomfort zone can be years, possibly even decades, in the making. During our lives we have layer upon layer of conditioning from our parents, our friends, our peer group, school, college, workplace etc. Not all of the conditioning will be positive yet it influences greatly our thinking and therefore our behaviour, habits, and beliefs. So change will not always come easily and certain aspects of negative conditioning will not fade quietly away. In fact, it’s going to put up a fight.

There is plentiful advice online offering change and personal development in ‘5 easy steps’, ‘11 simple ways’ or claims of being able to change our lives in a week – and if we believe it then we are going to be sorely disappointed.

‘Patience, persistence and perspiration 

make an unbeatable combination for success.’

NAPOLEON HILL

The truth is, there are no quick fixes and no personal development equivalent of the ‘8 minute abs’. As Jon Kabat-Zinn said when referring to learning to practice meditation in his MBSR programme ‘It’s simple but not easy’. So too of any change we wish to make in our lives or challenges we need to overcome in business. 

So, what do we need to bring to the table in order to overcome the inertia of our discomfort zone and make reality of our goals? Each time I begin work with a new client be it corporate or personal, on-to-one or groups (in the final analysis, it’s all personal) I always highlight the following prerequisites:

DESIRE

No matter how much someone else wants it for you, that will not be enough. You have to want it with a passion. Your desire will be the engine room of the change you wish to undertake and there are going to be various obstacles that you will need to tackle on the way.

IMAGINATION

Can you view yourself from different perspectives to your norm? Can you step back and look at your life with a certain detachment? Being as objective as possible can be challenging but can also be very rewarding when challenging the conditioning that may have thwarted you in the past.

DISCIPLINE

You need to dedicate time during your week to work on the tasks you set yourself. This means good planning to match an inspirational goal – and not losing sight of the target! By allocating time to get the job done you keep your mind clear when you have to focus on your objectives – but be tough about it.

HONESTY

The decision whether or not to be honest with people is fairly straightforward. A clear awareness of honesty with yourself, however, is not always as clear-cut. It is, however, essential to the whole process otherwise you will stall even before you get going. Self-honesty may not always be comfortable, but why waste a life doing otherwise?

If you can put a tick next to these headings there is nothing that cannot be achieved if you combine passion, planning and hard work. All you have to do is make the decision and once this is done, there’s nothing that can stop you breaking out of the discomfort zone – for keeps. 

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - A practical Introduction (Video Extract)

I was delighted to be asked by Matt Kendall of Interesting Talks - London  to give a practical overview of Emotional Intelligence - Picadilly, London, Monday 21 October 2013.

The main themes of the evening were: 

• the definition, domains & key skills of EI 
• the role of mindfulness in the study & practice of EI
• awareness of the corrosive nature of daily 'low level' negativity in the workplace
• replacing negativity with real positivity

During the course of the 2 hour session the seventy members were split into groups to list and discuss their own awareness of their personal points of stress; their negativity triggers; and finally, personal positive truths about themselves. Everyone got involved and contributed to a lively and enjoyable evening.

Below is a brief extract taken half way through the evening.

Alan Keyse
keysforliving.org
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HOW HARD IS IT TO CHALLENGE YOUR OWN THINKING?

We have all at some point in our working lives, been confronted by a challenge that has halted us in our tracks. It would be difficult to find people who occupy positions of responsibility who have not.

The Swiss Guard, St Peter's Square, Rome

It is at these times when our levels of stress and anxiety can rise dramatically as we begin to cast around for answers and feel increasingly strained as satisfactory solutions escape us. One of our greatest potential handicaps when it comes to thinking our way through a problem is that when under pressure we tend to fall back to more conservative thinking – where we feel more secure – our default setting.

QUESTIONS CONDITION ANSWERS

The decisions we take and the choices we make are conditioned by the questions we ask of ourselves, of others, or of a problem. When meeting a challenge, the nature of the questions we pose will follow in line with our thinking. This means that the answers we receive will be also be conditioned because of the nature of our questioning which can possibly become predictable, preset, and can lack flexibility when perhaps it could be most useful.

PRESET BELIEFS CAN STIFLE CREATIVITY

Predictable solutions may reinforce beliefs we already hold and can keep potential (and sometimes better) answers hidden from us. A particular belief could be holding us back from resolving a problem or meeting a challenge and we may not even realise it. If we care to look, the perspective of questions others may pose can often be far more illuminating in areas we did not think to explore.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are”

Anais Nin

AN UNFAMILIAR ROUTE

A useful and sometimes challenging exercise, is to abandon usual lines of thought & follow instead a thread someone else puts forward - usually a friend or a colleague. Such suggestions we may often dismiss out of hand if they do not comply with our default settings (to which we are so very attached). Certainly this exercise can make us feel uncomfortable because we are taken out of our comfort zone and compelled to move in a direction that would not be our automatic choice. But to challenge ourselves by testing to destruction unconventional lines of thought can be very rewarding.

“Isn’t banging our head against a brick wall just nature’s way

of telling us to try something else?”

THE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE WE FEEL – THE GREATER THE REWARDS CAN BE

This is particularly true where we have previously met obstacles that are particularly problematic. Simply put, if this way will not work then take a run at it from a different angle. Why waste our mental energy on a frontal assault when a flanking movement is what is needed?

CLARITY & FOCUS

Changing our perspectives will also serve a useful purpose even if it merely confirms that we were on the right line already. This enables us to press forwarded with reinforced confidence because we have properly considered other routes. To fully consider and discount an alternative can offer us greater clarity, focus, and motivation. At least we have travelled a different way for a short while and explored new possibilities.

"We cannot use the same thinking to get ourselves out of a problem

 that got us in there in the first place"

There is always a way out of a maze - it is sometimes helpful simply to come to a problem or challenge from a slightly different direction in order to get a stalled situation on the move once again. While true and lasting change may not come easily, the journey can be exhilarating and liberating once the shackles of our own modes and conventions have been shed.

Alan Keyse specializes in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

keysforliving.org

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WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 1

The Dalai Lama said that it is  “…through compassion that we gain the conditions for genuine happiness”. The compassion of which he speaks is also due in full measure, I believe, to ourselves.

How can we expect ourselves to compete and advance in our careers when we handicap ourselves with rigorous standards we would not impose on others? Where is the logic in wanting to so burden ourselves that we put ourselves at an unnecessary disadvantage? Why so often are we unprepared to treat ourselves as equally deserving as anyone else? In doing so we are putting ourselves at the back of the starting grid for no good reason.

We live in a hectic, digital, globalised age where obvious material success is king and self-awareness and compassion are seen by many as an indulgence and even a weakness. In such an environment, encouraging people to show themselves simple kindness can be challenging. The honesty and openness that is required to find compassion for oneself does not always come easily. I am not asking for special treatment for ourselves, but that we make allowances for our weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings, in the same way we would give, for example, to our close colleagues.

FAILING CAN BE A KEY TO SUCCESS

Striving, falling and striving again underlies human development throughout its entire existence. In fact, the fall is inevitable given that we are human. What gives us the potential for greatness, however we define it, is our capacity for perseverance. We must, therefore, forgive ourselves our stumbles and carry on for it is immediately after a set back that comes our opportunity for achievement. Kicking ourselves over an error is not only a waste of energy, but we could be missing an opportunity while we are doing it.

In the second part of this blog we shall look at easy steps we can take to giving ourselves the level playing field we deserve.

FAILING ISN’T FAILURE – QUITTING IS

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

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WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 2

We are our own toughest critics and there is nothing wrong with setting high standards for ourselves and, by example, for others. If, however, the pressure we exert on ourselves is relentless & our standards are unrealistic, it serves no useful purpose other than being a latter day hair shirt. 

We are not nearly so strict with our work colleagues, friends or family. All I am asking is that we seek to remove that extra special dose of pressure that we reserve for ourselves. Showing compassion to ourselves will not happen overnight. Decades of social conditioning that has taught us to 'push' ourselves will not just evaporate. So what basic elements do we need to have in place to get us on our way?

FORGIVENESS

This is the first essential ingredient for setting the past down and moving on. Through self-forgiveness we develop that kindness that understands the times when we have made mistakes and poor choices. It allows us to learn valuable lessons without the added burden of continued recrimination.

NO LABELS 

If a friend fails, we can acknowledge they have failed but we do not label them a failure. How often are we pitiless with ourselves in similar circumstances and reach for the branding iron? Our innate sense of justice & fair play must ensure that we give to ourselves a fair.

MOTIVATION 

Observe well our motives and if they are founded in right action - to the best of our abilities - how can we be harsh with ourselves?

PATIENCE

It will not come overnight so work at it patiently. Provided progress is being made it does not necessarily have to be with giant steps. As in all personal development, forward momentum is everything - speed is optional.

HONESTY

If we are honest about who we are and what we aspire to – abandoning self criticism and judgment in favour of openness and seeing ourselves as a deserving human being  – internal kindness will not be hard to come by.

Compassion is a gentle but very powerful emotion and the process of opening our lives and our hearts to self kindness is equally gentle. Compassion is there to be embraced, not grasped. The more we sense the natural power of compassion, the easier and more natural it will be to have it become part of how we perceive our world, how we progress in our jobs, and how we live our lives.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

e-mail Alan