“The bird of paradise alights only on the hand that does not grasp”
John
Berry
Whether applied in the home or the workplace how often do we
hear the words: ‘I like to be in control’, or ‘I hate it when I'm not in
control’, and even ‘I know I'm a control freak’? The desire to control others, be it for reasons of what we perceive as efficiency or even care & compassion, is a much frequented blind alley where many of us can find ourselves.
THE ILLUSION
We may ‘feel’ in control,
especially when people are doing what we want or what we approve of, but we are
fooling ourselves. The truth is, we are never in control of events, what people
think or what people do - ever. To believe so is to live in an illusion. We
cannot even control what children do and say, why else are they always being
shouted at?
THE DAMAGE
To desire 'control' can have lasting damaging effects on ourselves and those around us:
1. We are hankering after something we can never achieve, therefore we are
wasting valuable mental energy.
2.
The desire
for control has negative overtones and in the pursuit for happiness and harmony
in our lives there is no place for negativity.
3.
Pressurising
(aka bullying) our partners, friends or colleagues should not be mistaken for
control as it never endures. It is simply negative influence, backed by fear, and masquerading as control.
4.
Will bullied employees be more or less productive
than motivated ones? It is a common error to mistake it for strong management.
5.
Will a 'controlling' relationship ultimately work in the truest sense?
6. When we believe ourselves to be in control and things
do not go our way we can easily become disappointed, frustrated & even angry.
THE REALITY
It would be wrong, however, to
assert there we have control over nothing in our lives. The fact is that there
is one thing over which we have complete control (when we chose to exercise it)
and that is control over what we are thinking. In this our control is complete
& our responsibility absolute: no one can tell us what to think, what ever
they may believe. But it’s ironic that the one
thing in our lives over which can we actually claim full control is so often
neglected either in part or, in some cases, completely abdicated. What we think
governs our decisions and our decisions determine our lives – so the sooner we
claim back control the better.
The greater our control of our
thoughts & therefore our actions - the more we exude strength and positive
energy. It is this that gives us influence on events and those around us. The positive
reality of influence as opposed to the negative illusion of control can only
fuel our success at work or at home.
"Self-disciplined begins with the mastery of your thoughts. If you
don't control what you think, you can't control what you do."
Napolean Hill
Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences.
Alan Keyse
keysforliving.org
email Alan
4 comments:
Great post, I am trying to be police and grateful in the mornings at the moment.
Just one quick question-when you are trying to take control of your thoughts and thinking positivily, how can we still move forward and form new habits or get rid of bad habits ( e.g. if you are thinking positivly but still carrying on old normal habits) if supposedly we think and do 99percent of what we thought yesterday?
Thanks- any feedback appreciated.
Spelling error- police* - positive on the 1st line.
I agree, a great post Alan, as always a touch of reality in the ever maddening world in which we live. We have three teenagers and the only result of trying to get them to do things in a controlling fashion, i.e. bellowing, is huge frustration on both sides. We are learning to influence instead and it does have a very positive impact, usually!
Hi Darryn
I'll email you some thoughts on this. Many thanks for your comment.
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