EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - A practical Introduction (Video Extract)

I was delighted to be asked by Matt Kendall of Interesting Talks - London  to give a practical overview of Emotional Intelligence - Picadilly, London, Monday 21 October 2013.

The main themes of the evening were: 

• the definition, domains & key skills of EI 
• the role of mindfulness in the study & practice of EI
• awareness of the corrosive nature of daily 'low level' negativity in the workplace
• replacing negativity with real positivity

During the course of the 2 hour session the seventy members were split into groups to list and discuss their own awareness of their personal points of stress; their negativity triggers; and finally, personal positive truths about themselves. Everyone got involved and contributed to a lively and enjoyable evening.

Below is a brief extract taken half way through the evening.

Alan Keyse
keysforliving.org
email Alan

HOW HARD IS IT TO CHALLENGE YOUR OWN THINKING?

We have all at some point in our working lives, been confronted by a challenge that has halted us in our tracks. It would be difficult to find people who occupy positions of responsibility who have not.

The Swiss Guard, St Peter's Square, Rome

It is at these times when our levels of stress and anxiety can rise dramatically as we begin to cast around for answers and feel increasingly strained as satisfactory solutions escape us. One of our greatest potential handicaps when it comes to thinking our way through a problem is that when under pressure we tend to fall back to more conservative thinking – where we feel more secure – our default setting.

QUESTIONS CONDITION ANSWERS

The decisions we take and the choices we make are conditioned by the questions we ask of ourselves, of others, or of a problem. When meeting a challenge, the nature of the questions we pose will follow in line with our thinking. This means that the answers we receive will be also be conditioned because of the nature of our questioning which can possibly become predictable, preset, and can lack flexibility when perhaps it could be most useful.

PRESET BELIEFS CAN STIFLE CREATIVITY

Predictable solutions may reinforce beliefs we already hold and can keep potential (and sometimes better) answers hidden from us. A particular belief could be holding us back from resolving a problem or meeting a challenge and we may not even realise it. If we care to look, the perspective of questions others may pose can often be far more illuminating in areas we did not think to explore.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are”

Anais Nin

AN UNFAMILIAR ROUTE

A useful and sometimes challenging exercise, is to abandon usual lines of thought & follow instead a thread someone else puts forward - usually a friend or a colleague. Such suggestions we may often dismiss out of hand if they do not comply with our default settings (to which we are so very attached). Certainly this exercise can make us feel uncomfortable because we are taken out of our comfort zone and compelled to move in a direction that would not be our automatic choice. But to challenge ourselves by testing to destruction unconventional lines of thought can be very rewarding.

“Isn’t banging our head against a brick wall just nature’s way

of telling us to try something else?”

THE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE WE FEEL – THE GREATER THE REWARDS CAN BE

This is particularly true where we have previously met obstacles that are particularly problematic. Simply put, if this way will not work then take a run at it from a different angle. Why waste our mental energy on a frontal assault when a flanking movement is what is needed?

CLARITY & FOCUS

Changing our perspectives will also serve a useful purpose even if it merely confirms that we were on the right line already. This enables us to press forwarded with reinforced confidence because we have properly considered other routes. To fully consider and discount an alternative can offer us greater clarity, focus, and motivation. At least we have travelled a different way for a short while and explored new possibilities.

"We cannot use the same thinking to get ourselves out of a problem

 that got us in there in the first place"

There is always a way out of a maze - it is sometimes helpful simply to come to a problem or challenge from a slightly different direction in order to get a stalled situation on the move once again. While true and lasting change may not come easily, the journey can be exhilarating and liberating once the shackles of our own modes and conventions have been shed.

Alan Keyse specializes in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

keysforliving.org

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WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 1

The Dalai Lama said that it is  “…through compassion that we gain the conditions for genuine happiness”. The compassion of which he speaks is also due in full measure, I believe, to ourselves.

How can we expect ourselves to compete and advance in our careers when we handicap ourselves with rigorous standards we would not impose on others? Where is the logic in wanting to so burden ourselves that we put ourselves at an unnecessary disadvantage? Why so often are we unprepared to treat ourselves as equally deserving as anyone else? In doing so we are putting ourselves at the back of the starting grid for no good reason.

We live in a hectic, digital, globalised age where obvious material success is king and self-awareness and compassion are seen by many as an indulgence and even a weakness. In such an environment, encouraging people to show themselves simple kindness can be challenging. The honesty and openness that is required to find compassion for oneself does not always come easily. I am not asking for special treatment for ourselves, but that we make allowances for our weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings, in the same way we would give, for example, to our close colleagues.

FAILING CAN BE A KEY TO SUCCESS

Striving, falling and striving again underlies human development throughout its entire existence. In fact, the fall is inevitable given that we are human. What gives us the potential for greatness, however we define it, is our capacity for perseverance. We must, therefore, forgive ourselves our stumbles and carry on for it is immediately after a set back that comes our opportunity for achievement. Kicking ourselves over an error is not only a waste of energy, but we could be missing an opportunity while we are doing it.

In the second part of this blog we shall look at easy steps we can take to giving ourselves the level playing field we deserve.

FAILING ISN’T FAILURE – QUITTING IS

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

e-mail Alan 

WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 2

We are our own toughest critics and there is nothing wrong with setting high standards for ourselves and, by example, for others. If, however, the pressure we exert on ourselves is relentless & our standards are unrealistic, it serves no useful purpose other than being a latter day hair shirt. 

We are not nearly so strict with our work colleagues, friends or family. All I am asking is that we seek to remove that extra special dose of pressure that we reserve for ourselves. Showing compassion to ourselves will not happen overnight. Decades of social conditioning that has taught us to 'push' ourselves will not just evaporate. So what basic elements do we need to have in place to get us on our way?

FORGIVENESS

This is the first essential ingredient for setting the past down and moving on. Through self-forgiveness we develop that kindness that understands the times when we have made mistakes and poor choices. It allows us to learn valuable lessons without the added burden of continued recrimination.

NO LABELS 

If a friend fails, we can acknowledge they have failed but we do not label them a failure. How often are we pitiless with ourselves in similar circumstances and reach for the branding iron? Our innate sense of justice & fair play must ensure that we give to ourselves a fair.

MOTIVATION 

Observe well our motives and if they are founded in right action - to the best of our abilities - how can we be harsh with ourselves?

PATIENCE

It will not come overnight so work at it patiently. Provided progress is being made it does not necessarily have to be with giant steps. As in all personal development, forward momentum is everything - speed is optional.

HONESTY

If we are honest about who we are and what we aspire to – abandoning self criticism and judgment in favour of openness and seeing ourselves as a deserving human being  – internal kindness will not be hard to come by.

Compassion is a gentle but very powerful emotion and the process of opening our lives and our hearts to self kindness is equally gentle. Compassion is there to be embraced, not grasped. The more we sense the natural power of compassion, the easier and more natural it will be to have it become part of how we perceive our world, how we progress in our jobs, and how we live our lives.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

e-mail Alan

CONFLICT AT WORK: CAN YOU SEE IT COMING? (Part 2)

THE NOBLEST PLEASURE IS THE JOY OF UNDERSTANDING 

Leonardo da Vinci

Once conflict gets its feet under the table it can take on a life of it’s own and become increasingly self-perpetuating over time. Anything negative about another person can be amplified and used to justify an opposing stance and positivity and optimism stand little chance when arguing. In addition, flexibility and compromise become stifled as they are seen as weakness and likely to undermine an argument.

In the midst of such tension what can be done in order to break the cycle of negativity, provide mediation and offer resolution? How can an environment for balanced reason, where compromise can be developed, be established? Ultimately this is an issue of leadership as the effectiveness of staff, and the performance of the company are at stake – so the impetus has to be provided from the top down.

DOES THE COMPANY CLEARLY SET OUT ITS CORE VALUES?

Core values come from the top and go to the heart of what makes the corporate body tick. All employees therefore, from the boardroom down, need to have these values ingrained into their personal work culture – and this includes the absolute need for an esprit de corps running through the whole company. The senior executives in particular need to live and breathe these values so setting the standard for behaviour. Once this beacon is lit no individual or group within the company can be left in any doubt as to what is expected.

MEDIATION

If management chooses to mediate (be it directly or by bringing in outside support) it can send out a very clear and positive message. Trying to impose a resolution is no solution at all but merely suppression. In mediation the parties concerned are involved in a dialogue, at first either individually or together, regarding the creation of an environment for understanding. The discussion will outline the shared benefits of harmony for the company and for their individual happiness and fulfilment at work. The parties have to ask themselves, which is more important, victory or resolution? Once it is agreed that ‘victory’ is not only unattainable but also damaging, and that continued strife is unacceptable, how do they wish to participate in what happens next?

MUTUAL OWNERSHIP OF THE PROBLEM

Have the parties talk about how the situation makes them feel and how they react to those emotions? Looking at themselves, what could each one do to improve their attitude in the circumstances be it their actions or their reactions? At the appropriate time have both parties explain their point of view to one another including how the situation and the actions of the other person makes them feel. Have them set out how a better environment would benefit them personally, the colleague in question, and for the business that employs them both.

Mediating a resolution to a conflict is about understanding from all sides: what we do; how we react; and the effects of our actions, whether or not we regard ourselves as the victim. Mediation is about understanding our real needs, those of our colleagues and of the company as a whole. It is about abandoning the trenches and stepping into the middle ground where issues can be observed, discussed and where understanding can go to work.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

keysforliving.org
E-mail Alan

TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (Part 2)

In Part One  of this blog I discussed the problems that can be posed by attitudes to ‘To Do lists’, especially in the workplace, when people find themselves labouring under the burden of excessive stress. We looked at the possible adverse reactions and counter productive effects that the spectre of increasingly overloaded ‘To Do lists’ can have.

In this second part I wish to offer some thoughts intended to break the cycle of negative thinking surrounding 'To Do' lists, and help to overcome the inertia caused when the effects of stress begin to dominate the working day.

MAKE ‘EM MANAGABLE

If faced with a list of, say, 30+ items people can become overwhelmed before they even get going. If items on a list cannot be done this morning, or today, reduce the list to things that can so creating a 'Day List'. Its much better to focus on a five or ten point list that is getting done rather than a huge raft of things that are not. This may seem like a small ‘mind game’ but it works. If we concentrate on what we are achieving as opposed to what is yet to be achieved, it can have a significant effect.

MAKE EACH ITEM REALISTIC

Make sure the list is made up of items and not concepts. The items have to be 'do-able' and not open ended. There is no point including 'Return all my calls' if it's never going to happen. To avoid having items lingering on the list from one day to another, break it down by, the case of telephone calls, itemising exactly who is going to be called. If an item is unrealistic or unlikely to get done then it does not go on the list.

TAKE ONE AT A TIME

Too obvious? ‘To Do lists’ can be so intimidating for some people that an emphasis on being single minded about tackling the items one at a time is essential. Multi-tasking, a buzz phrase of the age, is all well and good, but if we need to break the cycle of negative thoughts that cause inertia, dealing systematically with each task in hand is a great way of breaking the psychological log jam.

CAN SOMEONE ELSE DO THAT ONE?

Delegation is too large a topic to include in any detail here but in a larger organisation it’s vital to employ this essential management skill.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT…

This is closely linked to successful delegation, so let’s be sure what ‘done right’ means. Does it mean, done the way I like/want it? Would someone else’s way be just as good? We have to be able to work around different work techniques so becoming more flexible and therefore more effective managers. Often someone else’s way may well get the job done – we may have to accept that our way is only a right way, and not necessarily the right way.

PRIORITISE, PRIORITISE, PRIORITISE

Think carefully about what needs to be done in order of precedence. Forget the ‘but I need to do it all’ thing. That’s not been happening so why should today be any different? So prioritise, and push off the day list that which does not need doing immediately.

These suggestions are not meant as a blueprint to fundamentally change working practice but rather to help kick start a different mind-set. Although an alternative perspective is what may be required, it still has to come from within each individual in a way that best suits them if the battle against stress is to be effective over time. One such perspective is to take back control over how we tackle our working day, and if in order to do so we need to get back to basics, then so be it. 

Related article:  TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (Part 1)

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (Part 1)

In an intensely competitive and, occasionally, unforgiving business environment, it has never been more important to maximise our efficiency so ensuring we maintain pace with the demands the world appears to impose upon us.

As a useful tool to aid our own time management and productivity many of us use ‘To Do lists'. In a recent conversation, however, I was reminded of the pitfalls that can come when these lists are allowed to manage us - instead of vice versa.

For example, when people are feeling vulnerable from the effects of too much stress and anxiety at work the 'To Do list' can become a stick with which they beat themselves. E-mail in-boxes can have a similar effect, but that’s for another day.

So when does the transition from useful asset to burden occur? Are there tell tale signs that 'To Do lists' are no longer working for us?

WHEN WE KNOW 'TO DO LISTS ARE NOT ON OUR SIDE...

• Their main effect is as a constant reminder of the sheer weight of work yet to be done – and within us there’s no room for discussion as it’s all there in black and white staring us in the face.

• The list will not let us forget how behind we have fallen as new items are loaded on to the bottom of the list while things are not coming off the top quickly enough.

• In some cases the list can undermine self-esteem as our mental energy stalls at the prospect of the mounting number of tasks to be done. We begin to self criticise and to judge ourselves as not being up to the job. 

• Not only do we not do what is on the list, but we start making repeat lists of the same items with revisions and additions.

Once we get into this mind set the priority is to get out of it and not to keep swimming against a tide where the law of diminishing returns begins to take hold.

In a few days I shall post the second part of this blog that will provide some tips as to how to assemble and use 'To Do lists' in such a way to avoid them becoming a rod for our backs. What goes on to the list needs to be every bit as important as our getting jobs done – so by following simple criteria we can ensure that the To Do list remains a useful tool instead of the craftsman! 

RELATED ARTICLE: TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (part 2)

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan