ABOLISHING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: THE BENEFITS

I believe that our greatest resource is our mental energy. As powerful as this can be, however, it can be seriously undermined if we allow ourselves to slip into patterns of negative thinking. 

One of the most common forms of this is indulging in the negative criticism of others be it in our private lives or at work. This is not to be confused with the positive feedback essential to correct or improve performance in the workplace or behaviour at home. 

WE ARE DIMINISHED BY THIS NEGATIVITY

1. The inbuilt negativity that comes with criticism is not conducive to building a positive environment within which to live and work. So often we can hardly realize we are doing it at all and in this way negativity seeps into our lives almost undetected.
2. If we criticize then we are judging from a self appointed position of superiority. This is not constructive either for ourselves or those on the receiving end. Of course once we have so judged someone then, of course, comes the sentence as well.
3. If we waste our time (aka our life) concerning ourselves with the deficiencies of others, we can be distracted from dealing with the challenges facing us and our own issues can go unaddressed.
4. Very often we may snipe at others because we are being defensive about something troubling us, therefore, we are building ourselves up by dismantling someone else.
5. From a more profound perspective criticism of this kind actually diminishes us and saps our mental energy although we may never even realize this is happening

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

1. The act of criticizing others exposes a weakness in ourselves so if we can identify what it is, it gives a good indicator of what we need to be dealing with. In any environment, identifying a weakness is the first step in the process of building strength.  
2. One of the inherent weaknesses of negative thinking is that it dos not thrive under scrutiny. The important thing is to realize such thoughts are there in the first place. Once identified we can do something about them by calmly and quietly observing the thoughts, the emotions, the physical sensations associated with such negativity.
3. It is important that this observation does not become self-criticism which is just as negative and unhelpful as criticizing others. Observation is a positive act designed to address issues we face and put us in far greater control of our own thought process.
4. Once negative thinking is weakened, positivity, and constructive ideas can take over the space we have created. Instead of criticism there will be understanding and the more we understand others, the better placed we are to influence our relationships for the good.

  

Of course, in business and our private lives we need to make judgments constantly, however, if we are able to replace negative emotions with reason and understanding it can only enhance our clarity of thought, how were select our choices and our decision making. It has taken decades of conditioning to fashion the way we think. Like any skill, observing and taking control of ones thinking can be learnt with practice, vigilance and patience.  

Ultimately this is all about reclaiming control of our thought process by clearing away negativity and useless unproductive thinking. In this way we can concentrate on improving ourselves, influencing for the good the space around us, and to the benefit of family, friends, and colleagues alike.

Alan Keyse
www.keysforliving.org
info@keysforliving.org

CONFLICT AT WORK: CAN YOU SEE IT COMING? (Part 1)

Serious disagreement and disaffection between colleagues in the workplace is a huge drain on businesses, which can ill afford the distraction. Strife and the stress and unhappiness that come with it can affect productivity, cause absenteeism and increase staff turnover. 

While human behaviour is complex, most particularly when under stress, the same trends and themes are often repeated and understanding these and the dynamics involved is half the battle when seeking to neutralise and resolve conflict. By upping their Emotional Intelligence skill-set managers become more proficient at spotting the early warning signals, and are far better placed to anticipate and then influence what happens next. 


Among the most common causes of conflict are:

IGNORANCE

We often draw conclusions about people within moments of meeting them, or even just seeing them across the office – this is the ‘first impression’ trap . Once in place such preconceptions can condition our views of what others do and say from then on. We should therefore take time to find out more about those around us, or at least be aware of not forming our opinions before we have had the chance to do so.

MISUNDERSTANDINGS 

Do we ever get the wrong end of the stick? Of course we do. The best way of avoiding this is, of course, communication - there is no better antidote to adjusting a negative impression of someone than simply filling in the blanks.

FRUSTRATIONS & IRRITATIONS

Often these are born of ignorance and misunderstanding but also the baggage people take to work can have a huge effect as exterior problems may spill over at the office. This is not excusing ill manners or bad behaviour but if we begin to understand the causes of someone’s behaviour it could at least change our reactions for the better.

FEELING THREATENED

This is about our territory, and our desire to protect what we have or what we should like to have. If we feel threatened we are unlikely to be at our most reasonable or generous, and in such a frame of mind it is a short step from a colleague being perceived as a rival to them being seen as an enemy. Once this point is reached it is hardly surprising that relations can deteriorate very badly.

DEFENSIVENESS

When we are on our guard we are alerted to anything we interpret as challenging or threatening in nature – at this point we perceive both as one the same thing which can then lead to the next issue.

INTRANSIGENCE

A form of social myopia obscuring a wider picture can develop, as we do not want to be seen to be giving ground. Our opinions become beliefs and therefore part of us so it can be very easy to slip into taking challenges very personally. So often when we 'believe' something it becomes regarded by us as the ‘truth’. It is ingrained in us to defend what we believe to be the truth, to be just, to be right. Of course there are very clear-cut instances of right and wrong, truth & falsehood; in human relations, however, things are rarely so straightforward.

So there are just some of the elements that can contribute to a dynamic of conflict at work. In Part Two of this blog we look ways in which resolution between individuals can be found, and balance in the workplace restored. After all, with success in business not getting any easier why allow preventable problems from dictating the office agenda?

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

ACCEPTANCE: THE KEY TO A FRESH START

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference.’

Reinhold Niebuhr, 20th Century American Theologian

Whether working with private coaching clients or with business executives, in order to create momentum towards positive and lasting change, there is a crucial ingredient that must be present: ACCEPTANCE. 

This has nothing to do with striving for external approval but refers to accepting, without judgment, what has already taken place up to the present moment, and that the situation as it exists right now is what it is. This sounds rather obvious but on reflection it's a harder concept than one would suppose.

The past is not a matter of history but began a second ago: that moment, and all those that went before it are now gone. If we are really serious about wanting to affect real change it’s the ‘what happens now?’ that counts. The benefits of ‘what happens now?’ can be so much greater if we are not chained to issues from our past, be it recent or distant. It is just not possible to build positive change on negative foundations.  

This does not mean brushing aside the consequences of past actions or ignoring commitments and responsibilities. It signifies understanding more about ourselves; the events in our lives; and being able to view what has occurred in the past with calmness and wisdom. This puts us in a much stronger position when it comes to deciding on the most important thing - what happens now.

By dwelling in the past, we retain many negative emotions:

- irritation with things that may have been said
- regret at things not achieved
- frustrations and anger for opportunities missed
- destructive guilt and shame 

We shall not dwell on the importance of self-forgiveness here, as that subject alone requires a good deal of time. Suffice to say that any of these negative and destructive emotions can thwart the forward momentum we seek. Overcoming the inertia created by so much extra baggage can be daunting and can even put us off from setting out on a new journey altogether.

Once we are able to embrace acceptance, that’s when things start to get exciting. It is in that same moment, that very moment, that we can begin to effect change. The simple act of understanding our past is the first and most important step. We permit ourselves to think and act unfettered by yesterday's emotional baggage which in turn allows us to meet challenges with clarity - focusing on our hopes, our desires and our passions.

     We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called opportunity and it’s first chapter is today*

Edith Lovejoy Pierce, English Peace Activist & Poet

* I have taken a minor liberty – the original quote refers to New Years Day.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

ALAN KEYSE
keysforliving.org
E-mail Alan

THE POWER IN SHIFTING PERSPECTIVES

The nature of the questions I ask of myself and my life can condition the answers I receive which, in turn, may reinforce beliefs I already hold. What if, however, a particular belief is holding me back from advancing my personal development? If I care to look, the perspective of questions others may pose of me may often be far more illuminating in areas I did not think to explore.

We continually ask questions of our environment, our safety and ourselves, as it is essential to making the string of judgements required to function and survive in life. This is what kept us alive in the wild, and it is what we have to do constantly in order to make daily and life decisions.

The decisions we take and the choices we make are conditioned by the questions we pose. I refer to the subliminal minute by minute flow of 'what do I do next?' But what if the what we do next leads to choices and decisions to our detriment? I find it a useful and sometimes challenging exercise, to abandon my line of enquiry & follow instead a thread someone else puts forward - usually a friend or a colleague. This may often make me feel uncomfortable simply because I am taken out of my normal channels of thought and compelled to move in a direction that would not be my automatic choice given my own upbringing and conditioning. In fact, the more uncomfortable it becomes the greater the rewards can be. This is particularly true where I have previously met an obstacle  in my life that I seem to have difficulty overcoming. Simply put, if this way won't work then take a run at it from a different perspective. Alternatively, changing tack may serve a purpose If only to confirm that I was on the right line already - to discount an alternative route can help progress. At least I have travelled a different way for a short while and explored new possibilities.

There is always a way out of the maze: it is sometimes helpful simply to come to a problem or challenge from a slightly different direction in order to get a stalled situation on the move once again. While true and lasting change may not come easily, the journey can be exhilarating and liberating once the shackles of our own modes and conventions have been shed.

ARE YOU PURSUING YOUR OWN DEFINITION OF SUCCESS - OR SOMEONE ELSE'S?

Most entrepreneurs will be all too well aware of the pressures that go hand in glove with being self-employed. The pressure not only to succeed but also to be seen to be successful, is inherent within the very fabric of our society. 

We are taught to want to ‘succeed’ from a very early age, and once past infancy the forces at work, driving us forward: our parents; our teachers; and our friends, are almost irresistible. As a result we become conditioned with the need to compete. We may even have become conditioned to value our worth by what we believe the world thinks of us.



Many of us have thought or uttered the plea ‘stop the ride, I wanna get off!’ but seldom do we question that urge. What many of us do not appreciate is that we do not need to ask permission of a third party to stop the ride, in fact all the controls we require are under our direct control. 

This does not mean, necessarily, walking away from existing life styles, nor for abdicating responsibilities. Rather, it is a call for regular pauses, short periods of reflection to re-evaluate our understanding of our lives, our motivations and our emotions.

One way of doing this is by asking ourselves how we personally measure success & why? Our social and cultural conditioning measures success by whether or not we surpass those around us. We spend our time, therefore, making comparisons with our peers & competing on that basis. We often fail to explore what success really means to us. As a result we spend our time chasing goals reactively preset, that may have absolutely nothing to do with our innermost desires and core values. Only by matching our lives to those desires and values can we attain true success and fulfilment.

IF WE DO NOT TAKE PERSONAL OWNERSHIP OF OUR GOALS BUT INSTEAD ABSORB THOSE HANDED TO US - ULTIMATELY, THEY WILL NEVER STICK!

It is for all of us to challenge our own thinking and, possibly for the first time, take a serious look at what makes us tick as opposed to what convention dictates it should be. If we take the time to take a look, we may be pleasantly surprised.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

WHY SO MANY OF US STRUGGLE TO MAINTAINING A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken". 

Oscar Wilde

Our desire to be a different body shape to that we already possess is one of the obsessions of the age and most of us are subject to this at some time or other.

We all know what it takes to be in better shape and unless we are impeded by a medical condition we know that it could not be simpler: eat less and be more active. Anyone who has problems with yo-yo dieting and ‘workout phobia’, however, knows that it is clearly not that simple. If it were we would all be doing it instead of complaining about it. We want to improve our fitness, we know how to go about it and yet so many of us struggle - clearly there must be another dynamic involved.

The first place to look if we are struggling is to examine our motivation for wanting to diet/workout. If we are having difficulty we are most likely not doing it for the right reasons - we are not doing it for our reasons.  We may be pressured by: our perception of what other people think of us; how we believe we ‘should’ look; and trying to live up to the body image the media thrusts upon us (the main aim being to shame us into buying whatever they happen to be selling).

If we work at developing higher levels of personal awareness, we are able to bring into sharper focus our own emotions and motivations. This in turn will provide the lasting shift in thinking and therefore habits, that will make yoyo diets and wasted gym memberships a thing of the past.  In short, a well thought through healthy lifestyle program will focus on:

1. Helping to establish realistic goals that reflect innermost desires.

2. A step-by-step plan to achieve those goals.  

3. Clearing the mind through meditation so thoughts become less cluttered, allowing distractions to be observed, understood and more readily handled.

4. The removal of guilt, shame, and self-judgement for how we are at the moment - and the low self esteem issues that come with them. 

5. A positive attitude to a change in lifestyle and the acceptance of setbacks as a basis for continued forward momentum and not a reason for backsliding.

6. Accepting full ownership of the journey and ultimately of the success it will bring.

The success, or not, of a health & wellness programme has a great deal to do with our social conditioning and mental attitudes. If we are carrying burdens of, for example, unrealistic expectations, guilt, and shame – that is the weight loss we need to tackle first. By focusing on the inner challenges we face, as an integral part of healthy lifestyle goals, we can achieve a real and lasting change - the way we want it!

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

FAILING ISN'T FAILURE - QUITTING IS

'Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt'
William Shakespeare

Fear of failure is, more often than not, the fear of not measuring up to others, or of falling short of what we believe to be their expectations. Such anxiety does not originate from within us but is acquired over years of conditioning. The good news is that it can be identified, observed, & left far behind us.

Our desire for external appreciation, approval and esteem, can compel us to abandon our inner selves in the futile search for external affirmations of our worth. The desire to please others in order to feel of value becomes a need which can never be fulfilled and can distract us from focusing on our own potential and fulfilment. 

If, however, we can make positivity of outlook, goodness of intention, & compassion, our moment by moment priorities, the appreciation we once sought so desperately fades in importance & we no longer have that need to satisfy others. Instead we are warmed by a profound and internal sense of our inherent worth, our world, and our core values. With this comes an underlying strength and calm which gives out very positive energy to everyone we come into contact with.

Whatever we seek to achieve, we should allow ourselves the luxury of the compassion, the patience, and the common humanity we so easily afford to, for example, our close friends. We see our friends strive and fail and yet we are there supporting them all the way. Are we, ourselves, no less entitled to the same understanding? Once we have thrown off the shackles of fear lest we fail, we will meet challenges, be they in business or at home, with an enthusiasm that views errors and failure as merely signposts on the way to greater successes and achievement.