WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 2

We are our own toughest critics and there is nothing wrong with setting high standards for ourselves and, by example, for others. If, however, the pressure we exert on ourselves is relentless & our standards are unrealistic, it serves no useful purpose other than being a latter day hair shirt. 

We are not nearly so strict with our work colleagues, friends or family. All I am asking is that we seek to remove that extra special dose of pressure that we reserve for ourselves. Showing compassion to ourselves will not happen overnight. Decades of social conditioning that has taught us to 'push' ourselves will not just evaporate. So what basic elements do we need to have in place to get us on our way?

FORGIVENESS

This is the first essential ingredient for setting the past down and moving on. Through self-forgiveness we develop that kindness that understands the times when we have made mistakes and poor choices. It allows us to learn valuable lessons without the added burden of continued recrimination.

NO LABELS 

If a friend fails, we can acknowledge they have failed but we do not label them a failure. How often are we pitiless with ourselves in similar circumstances and reach for the branding iron? Our innate sense of justice & fair play must ensure that we give to ourselves a fair.

MOTIVATION 

Observe well our motives and if they are founded in right action - to the best of our abilities - how can we be harsh with ourselves?

PATIENCE

It will not come overnight so work at it patiently. Provided progress is being made it does not necessarily have to be with giant steps. As in all personal development, forward momentum is everything - speed is optional.

HONESTY

If we are honest about who we are and what we aspire to – abandoning self criticism and judgment in favour of openness and seeing ourselves as a deserving human being  – internal kindness will not be hard to come by.

Compassion is a gentle but very powerful emotion and the process of opening our lives and our hearts to self kindness is equally gentle. Compassion is there to be embraced, not grasped. The more we sense the natural power of compassion, the easier and more natural it will be to have it become part of how we perceive our world, how we progress in our jobs, and how we live our lives.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

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CONFLICT AT WORK: CAN YOU SEE IT COMING? (Part 2)

THE NOBLEST PLEASURE IS THE JOY OF UNDERSTANDING 

Leonardo da Vinci

Once conflict gets its feet under the table it can take on a life of it’s own and become increasingly self-perpetuating over time. Anything negative about another person can be amplified and used to justify an opposing stance and positivity and optimism stand little chance when arguing. In addition, flexibility and compromise become stifled as they are seen as weakness and likely to undermine an argument.

In the midst of such tension what can be done in order to break the cycle of negativity, provide mediation and offer resolution? How can an environment for balanced reason, where compromise can be developed, be established? Ultimately this is an issue of leadership as the effectiveness of staff, and the performance of the company are at stake – so the impetus has to be provided from the top down.

DOES THE COMPANY CLEARLY SET OUT ITS CORE VALUES?

Core values come from the top and go to the heart of what makes the corporate body tick. All employees therefore, from the boardroom down, need to have these values ingrained into their personal work culture – and this includes the absolute need for an esprit de corps running through the whole company. The senior executives in particular need to live and breathe these values so setting the standard for behaviour. Once this beacon is lit no individual or group within the company can be left in any doubt as to what is expected.

MEDIATION

If management chooses to mediate (be it directly or by bringing in outside support) it can send out a very clear and positive message. Trying to impose a resolution is no solution at all but merely suppression. In mediation the parties concerned are involved in a dialogue, at first either individually or together, regarding the creation of an environment for understanding. The discussion will outline the shared benefits of harmony for the company and for their individual happiness and fulfilment at work. The parties have to ask themselves, which is more important, victory or resolution? Once it is agreed that ‘victory’ is not only unattainable but also damaging, and that continued strife is unacceptable, how do they wish to participate in what happens next?

MUTUAL OWNERSHIP OF THE PROBLEM

Have the parties talk about how the situation makes them feel and how they react to those emotions? Looking at themselves, what could each one do to improve their attitude in the circumstances be it their actions or their reactions? At the appropriate time have both parties explain their point of view to one another including how the situation and the actions of the other person makes them feel. Have them set out how a better environment would benefit them personally, the colleague in question, and for the business that employs them both.

Mediating a resolution to a conflict is about understanding from all sides: what we do; how we react; and the effects of our actions, whether or not we regard ourselves as the victim. Mediation is about understanding our real needs, those of our colleagues and of the company as a whole. It is about abandoning the trenches and stepping into the middle ground where issues can be observed, discussed and where understanding can go to work.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

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TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (Part 2)

In Part One  of this blog I discussed the problems that can be posed by attitudes to ‘To Do lists’, especially in the workplace, when people find themselves labouring under the burden of excessive stress. We looked at the possible adverse reactions and counter productive effects that the spectre of increasingly overloaded ‘To Do lists’ can have.

In this second part I wish to offer some thoughts intended to break the cycle of negative thinking surrounding 'To Do' lists, and help to overcome the inertia caused when the effects of stress begin to dominate the working day.

MAKE ‘EM MANAGABLE

If faced with a list of, say, 30+ items people can become overwhelmed before they even get going. If items on a list cannot be done this morning, or today, reduce the list to things that can so creating a 'Day List'. Its much better to focus on a five or ten point list that is getting done rather than a huge raft of things that are not. This may seem like a small ‘mind game’ but it works. If we concentrate on what we are achieving as opposed to what is yet to be achieved, it can have a significant effect.

MAKE EACH ITEM REALISTIC

Make sure the list is made up of items and not concepts. The items have to be 'do-able' and not open ended. There is no point including 'Return all my calls' if it's never going to happen. To avoid having items lingering on the list from one day to another, break it down by, the case of telephone calls, itemising exactly who is going to be called. If an item is unrealistic or unlikely to get done then it does not go on the list.

TAKE ONE AT A TIME

Too obvious? ‘To Do lists’ can be so intimidating for some people that an emphasis on being single minded about tackling the items one at a time is essential. Multi-tasking, a buzz phrase of the age, is all well and good, but if we need to break the cycle of negative thoughts that cause inertia, dealing systematically with each task in hand is a great way of breaking the psychological log jam.

CAN SOMEONE ELSE DO THAT ONE?

Delegation is too large a topic to include in any detail here but in a larger organisation it’s vital to employ this essential management skill.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT…

This is closely linked to successful delegation, so let’s be sure what ‘done right’ means. Does it mean, done the way I like/want it? Would someone else’s way be just as good? We have to be able to work around different work techniques so becoming more flexible and therefore more effective managers. Often someone else’s way may well get the job done – we may have to accept that our way is only a right way, and not necessarily the right way.

PRIORITISE, PRIORITISE, PRIORITISE

Think carefully about what needs to be done in order of precedence. Forget the ‘but I need to do it all’ thing. That’s not been happening so why should today be any different? So prioritise, and push off the day list that which does not need doing immediately.

These suggestions are not meant as a blueprint to fundamentally change working practice but rather to help kick start a different mind-set. Although an alternative perspective is what may be required, it still has to come from within each individual in a way that best suits them if the battle against stress is to be effective over time. One such perspective is to take back control over how we tackle our working day, and if in order to do so we need to get back to basics, then so be it. 

Related article:  TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (Part 1)

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (Part 1)

In an intensely competitive and, occasionally, unforgiving business environment, it has never been more important to maximise our efficiency so ensuring we maintain pace with the demands the world appears to impose upon us.

As a useful tool to aid our own time management and productivity many of us use ‘To Do lists'. In a recent conversation, however, I was reminded of the pitfalls that can come when these lists are allowed to manage us - instead of vice versa.

For example, when people are feeling vulnerable from the effects of too much stress and anxiety at work the 'To Do list' can become a stick with which they beat themselves. E-mail in-boxes can have a similar effect, but that’s for another day.

So when does the transition from useful asset to burden occur? Are there tell tale signs that 'To Do lists' are no longer working for us?

WHEN WE KNOW 'TO DO LISTS ARE NOT ON OUR SIDE...

• Their main effect is as a constant reminder of the sheer weight of work yet to be done – and within us there’s no room for discussion as it’s all there in black and white staring us in the face.

• The list will not let us forget how behind we have fallen as new items are loaded on to the bottom of the list while things are not coming off the top quickly enough.

• In some cases the list can undermine self-esteem as our mental energy stalls at the prospect of the mounting number of tasks to be done. We begin to self criticise and to judge ourselves as not being up to the job. 

• Not only do we not do what is on the list, but we start making repeat lists of the same items with revisions and additions.

Once we get into this mind set the priority is to get out of it and not to keep swimming against a tide where the law of diminishing returns begins to take hold.

In a few days I shall post the second part of this blog that will provide some tips as to how to assemble and use 'To Do lists' in such a way to avoid them becoming a rod for our backs. What goes on to the list needs to be every bit as important as our getting jobs done – so by following simple criteria we can ensure that the To Do list remains a useful tool instead of the craftsman! 

RELATED ARTICLE: TO DO LISTS: REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE (part 2)

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

CAN YOUR THINKING HOLD UP UNDER PRESSURE?

I have been working with Emotional Intelligence (EI)* for many years. During my 3 decades as a sales executive I found it to be an invaluable asset, and more recently, in my role as a business and life coach, I have encouraged my clients to harness its huge potential.

Put simply, EI enables us to know how we tick. With it we become experts at being aware of our thoughts and emotions as they are forming and therefore being able to control how we interface with our world. This ability, or lack of it, can impact decisively on every aspect of our lives but most acutely in business. Whether we are in an executive post, responsible for managing teams and departments, or a colleague in an organization, our level of EI will determine just how successful we are by determining how effectively we can bring our main skill-sets to bear in our given role.

WHAT ARE THE PRACTICAL BENEFITS OF GOOD EI?

1. Recognising our stress triggers and those of people around us
2. Increasing our clarity and focus when under pressure
3. Helping us to communicate effectively
4. Greater empathy with our colleagues
5. Resolving conflict - we are 'ahead of the game' when emotions are raw
6. Having positive body language and also being sensitive to the physical cues of others

As has already been intimated, as we gain a greater understanding and skill in managing ourselves, with increased levels of EI we also enjoy greater positive influence with colleagues and customers - in fact anyone with whom we come into contact.

THE GOOD NEWS IS...

....that EI is a skill and as such can be taught. Like all skills, some will have a greater predisposition than others but all can acquire this essential asset from learning the theory, putting it into practice & having the desire to see it happen.

THE FOUR ATTRIBUTES OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Self-awareness – Becoming acquainted with our own emotions & the effects they have on us physically, in our thinking and how we behave. Understanding our emotional strengths and limitations.

Self-Management - Once we have the self-awareness we are a good position to better control our behaviour and reactions to people and events. We also become more flexible during changing or challenging circumstances

Social awareness - Understanding the emotions, wants and needs of those around us. Being more attuned to other’s body language and moods, be it individually or in a group dynamic.

Relationship Management - Be at the centre of developing and managing good relationships and communications. Being a more effective manager or team player, and pick up early signs of potential friction and conflicts.

Our Emotional Intelligence is every bit as important as the capabilities and skill sets we need to fulfill the requirements of our jobs. There has been much academic research in this subject since the mid 1990s and one study illustrated that, in business, up to 90% of the difference between high-flyers and average performers can be attributed to EI. Emotional Intelligence, therefore, is an essential element for anyone who is determined to perform at their very best.

*While the popular abbreviation for Emotional Intelligence is EQ, Dr Daniel Goleman prefers EI as it is less confusing and keeps the focus on the message.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

 

Introductory Video

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info@keysforliving.org

INTRODUCTORY VIDEO - ONE TO ONE SESSIONS

This is the briefest of introductions to give a flavour of the way I work during face to face sessions with my clients. Please bear in mind that as well as in person I am also happy to conduct sessions online via Skype or Facetime.

During the coming months I look forward to adding more specific short videos focusing on particular aspects of my work such as: 

1. Emotional intelligence
2. Positive truth
3. Recognising negativity
4. Low self esteem
5. Stress/anxiety management
6. Conflict resolution

Alan Keyse

info@keysforliving.org
www,keysforliving.org

HOW CAN WE MANAGE EXPECTATIONS?

Expectation and disappointment are often two sides of the same coin but the experience between expectations in our businesses as opposed to our personal lives can be very different indeed.

BUSINESS vs PRIVATE EXPECATIONS

In business, we actively invite positive expectations from our clients and customers as a crucial part of our marketing strategy. Of course this ramps up our responsibility to ‘deliver’ but at the same time increases our appeal to new and existing business. The main motivation driving the expectation is a successful and satisfying business experience. Trust and belief will also be important elements, especially in longer standing business relationships, but these expectations follow a very different dynamic to that in our personal lives: here, with colleagues, friends and family the emphases of expectations can take on completely different dimensions.

In our private lives, we can often impose our expectations uninvited. This can make both us and the other person hostages to disappointment and can be inherently risky:

THE RISKS OF EXPECTATIONS

1. We invest our high hopes and trust in an individual or a group.
2. We transfer to them the responsibility of being custodian of those hopes. Once hope, trust and, sometimes, even love are put into the same mix we can understand just how potent this cocktail can be. Once bestowed we have absolutely no control over what the other person is going to do with it.
3. So exposed, we often deny the other person the right to fail which, of course, is unrealistic given the element of humanity.
4. With this potentially potent and unstable formula in place, if people fail to live up to our expectations, the effects on us can be dramatic - far more than if we are disappointed in business. Like anything else we perch high on a pedestal, if they ‘fail us’ there is only one direction they can go.

IT’S NOT ALL BAD NEWS

There is, however, another dimension to personal expectations. The American engineer Charles Kettering wrote “High achievement takes place in the framework of high expectation” which, if true, would indicate that it’s not all bad news. Living up to the expectations of others can make us feel good about ourselves and can spur us on to tapping into potential we did not realise we possessed.

It is here that we can follow the example we set in our businesses as how to best manage expectations. Good businesses do it successfully all the time – in fact, they thrive on it. Good communication lies at the heart of successful management and this could not be more essential than in managing expectations:

THE ROUTE TO MANAGING EXPECTATIONS

1. If we are proactive in communicating both good and bad news, this will alleviate any confusion over expectations which are notoriously subjective.
2. Being aware of and observing our expectations can better help us to manage our reaction in the event they are not met. Let us try to be selective and ensure our expectations are in proportion.
3. Realistic expectations mean achievability – but deciding what is achievable requires a detached objectivity: a challenge in itself.
4. Expectations are subjective and given that none of us are mind readers the more we know about what the other party has on their mind the better.
5. Both parties need to be clear on what is reasonable to expect, what is manageable. Being direct and transparent is as every bit as important at home as it is at work.
6. Establish a mutual respect necessary to ensure openness. Being a "yes man or woman" will never add to the clarity of any situation. 
7. Active listening is one of the most misunderstood and least used tools in managing expectations and yet it is one of the most effective tools we possess.
8. Dialogue must be regular  – it’s better to speak up early on if we feel we have a problem with our expectations rather than delay and have to deal with a full blown crisis.

We all understand the human emotional dimension of not having our expectations met or of failing to meet those of others. These experiences are, at best, uncomfortable. But we can overcome the challenge by a regular flow of information, in both directions, to ensure that we give ourselves the very best chance of keeping ourselves, and those around us, off the pedestal.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan